is this thing on?
i don't know how to use social media, non-performatively. i used to, at one point. my blogspot was filled with teenage angst and daily random updates about school and this person and how annoying my sister was.
now i feel like i need to learn to vibe code, to learn how to make my own personal website (but make it fun and aesthetic and make sure my personality shines through), to build something worthy of anyone's attention. just simply putting words and some photos attached to them are not enough.
this is probably my second or third attempt at some form of online self-expression. i played around with wanting to make my own html website (which shouldn't be hard but i pressure myself so much to have the perfect layout that aptly captures who i am and in the end makes the whole activity an ick for myself) and that didn't really work out. even with this blog, i had initially planned a nicely laid out table for my "2025 outs and 2026 ins" but really, i wasn't happy with its progress.
i think this is symptomatic of perfectionism - something i've been made aware of for more than a year now - but something i still haven't quite loosen my grip over. sometimes i tell myself that everything is just for the experience but i'm definitely a destination rather than the journey kind of gal. i can't kid myself into viscerally adopting the quality of someone who truly lives for the experience.
zooming out, this problem isn't special to social media. it's applicable to many aspects of how i'm being perceived and being perceived online is the most measurable way of being seen. i hate it. i hate that this consumes me and i hate that i'm not apathetic or cool about things.
that being said, i do hope and i would like to blog again. i'd love to have a space where memories are cremated in this digital cloud - where a space is devoted mostly for my thoughts, my experiences, and my life.
to quote a note i saw on substack:
writing down everything i’ve ever liked in a spreadsheet because i am convinced that if i stare at the data long enough i will find the grand unifying theory of Me