no one is coming to save me
I woke up today with two thoughts:
- What is the second law of thermodynamics?
- No one is going to save me from myself.
While it may appear random at first, (1) stemmed from a dream I was having and (2) stemmed from the percolation of reflections I’ve had the luxury to experience while unemployed. I’ll google (1) later but I want to focus on (2) now because it relates to something I’ve thought about in the past few years but never really understood why I was frustrated with that thought.
See, I used to think that I was full of potential. And I used to get upset because I didn’t know where and how to direct this potential. In that moment, I just felt that there was something urgent inside of me that needed to be expressed, to be seen for what it is, to be taken apart and threaded together again. I have even imagined myself as a phoenix that magically rebirths itself.
The problem with real life is that the rebirth doesn’t happen, magically. There is no magic to the process. I can wait for the days to pass, for someone to give me a chance, for me to stumble into the right environment, for luck to chance itself, for a motivation to hit. But nothing can happen if I don’t put in the hours and the discipline.
I’m talking about writing.
Just like many others, I have the need to create. And I want to create beautifully. The nice thing about potential is that the Beautiful Creation that I so admire can remain beautiful and perfect in my head, without me having to do a single thing. I say that I want to be like the writers whose craft I admire but I don’t even act as if I want it enough. My dedication to the craft isn’t directly proportional with what I claim to want.
I know there’s something in my wiring that requires me to break allll of this down into smaller chunks. Perhaps I’m so focused on a version of success that’s so far-fetched right now that it prevents me from actually doing the thing. I know what I need to do. I just need to do them.
In case you’re curious, the second law of thermodynamics essentially states that natural (spontaneous) processes tend to go towards disorder, which indicates a positive entropy.
To give you an example of what this means: a room, whether you live it abandoned or occupied, will naturally go to a state of disorder (dust accumulates, things get moved around, furniture gets old etc etc). This is a natural process. However, it is unnatural for a room to clean and arrange itself - for a room to go from a disordered state back to an ordered state, external factors need to be applied.
I think the same applies to my situation. Disorder requires discipline and routine and keeping up to get back to a state of order.
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